be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize