On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
