I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
