put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
