did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
