I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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