I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize