I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
