He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
