i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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