Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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