I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
