I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
