he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
