1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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