My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
