WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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