she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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