Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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