At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
