so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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