Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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