awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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