he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
