i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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