Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
