none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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