Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
