Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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