She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
