I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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