Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
