I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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