I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
