Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
