Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
