She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
