you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
