why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
