shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
