I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
