just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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