Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
