so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
