I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
