i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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