My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You ruined the universe
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
