you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
