Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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