Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
