Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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