Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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