I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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