I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
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