What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
