drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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