My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
