I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
